A Tibia, Crack, and Jimmy's Laundry
by Christina Simon
Summary: A bizarre Alias parody I came up with at 10:47 PM. Tell me that means nothing to you.


Title: A Tibia, Crack, and Jimmy's Laundry  
  
Author: Christina  
  
Email: miss_scarlett89@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: PG . because I'm a bit young to be writing smut : )  
  
Feedback: I made this up solely for my own entertainment, so you can say what you want about it.  
  
Summary: A bizarre Alias parody I came up with at 10:47 PM. Tell me that means nothing to you.  
  
Distribution: You want it, you can take it. Just ask me.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias, la di la di la.  
  
A/N: This was inspired by "Ham and Cheese" and "Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody" which is a pretty good book, in its own right. Check it out. It's by Michael Gerber.  
  
I tried to use all of the series regulars, which sort of adds to the general choppiness. Enjoy.  
  
Cindy Crisco was bored. She had been in debrief for half an hour at SD-6, listening to the head, Barking Bone, ramble on and on about her coming mission.  
  
She wasn't the only one. Her partner, Crocus Fixem, looked half asleep. Even Artificial Pinkman, the stuttering robot who designed their tech gadgets, appeared to be shutting down.  
  
As usual, Cindy had listened to the first part intently, then drifted off when Bone started talking about cabbage.  
  
She was supposed to go to London with Fixem to find a Hambaldi artifact, which was hidden, as always, in a local deli.  
  
"Mr. Pinkman," Bone said finally, "go ahead."  
  
The robot started. "What? Er- oh- I - er, sorry, okay- uh- okay, I um- made a little- uh- x-ray knife- type- thing, and uh, can use it when, uh, you know- you go- and it's uh, pretty sharp so you know you- em- want to be careful-but anyway- it'll show you where to find the - uh- artifact."  
  
"Thank you," cuts in Bone. "Any questions? Fixem? Cindy? Okay, you're free to go."  
  
Cindy rushed out of the room. She couldn't wait to get her counter mission. And she couldn't wait to see Wrinkle Pawn. He's your handler, she told herself sternly. Get over it.  
  
: : : : :  
  
Later that night, Cindy was taste-testing all the different foods that her best friend Dancie Alfalfa kept flying in with. Every five minutes she would come in- "How's this? Is this good? Try this."  
  
Her other friend, Thrill Trippin, was also there. After tasting each food, he would declare it the best thing he ever had.  
  
The phone rang.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" cried Thrill. "THE PHONE! SOMEONE ANSWER IT!"  
  
Cindy hopped up and grabbed it. "Hello?"  
  
"Jimmy's Laundry."  
  
Cindy's heart leapt. "Wrong number." She hung up.  
  
"Who was it? Who was it, Cind?" asked Thrill anxiously.  
  
"Nobody, it was a wrong number."  
  
"OH MY GOD, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!"  
  
Dancie flew in. "Who wants apple pie?"  
  
Cindy flashed a smile. "Actually, I have to go. I just remembered, I have a roll of film to pick up. I'll see ya."  
  
"Okay," said Dancie cheerfully.  
  
Thrill looked worried. "It's late? Do you think it's still there? Maybe they got rid of it!!"  
  
Cindy was already out the door.  
  
: : : : :  
  
Wrinkle was waiting for her. "Hi," he said, smiling.  
  
"Hi," said Cindy, smiling back.  
  
They gazed at each other for five minutes, before Wrinkle's brow furrowed. "We got your intel, and we're making you a fake tibia to replace the real one."  
  
"Okay," said Cindy, still in awe of Wrinkle's eyes.  
  
"Your mother said she wanted to see you," Wrinkle said, his brows even more furrowed.  
  
Cindy was suddenly jerked back to reality. "Do I . do I have to?" Her voice squeaked a little.  
  
Wrinkle nodded.  
  
Cindy started to cry. "It's not fair," she complained. "I hate this job! I hate lying to everyone all the time. And no one else's mother is that weird."  
  
"I know, I know," Wrinkle said soothingly. He put his arm around her as she continued to complain.  
  
"And my father doesn't take anything seriously! Even if I'm on a mission to- to a cemetery or something, it's all one big huge joke."  
  
"Give him a break, Cind. He tries."  
  
They looked at each other longingly before Cindy pulled away. "I have to go. See you."  
  
Wrinkle gazed after her.  
  
: : : : :  
  
The next day, Cindy went to the CIA ops center. She was greeted by her father, Crack.  
  
"Hi Dad," she said. She wasn't really in the mood to deal with both of her parents today.  
  
"Hi, Cindy! Hey, I saw you yesterday!" Crack laughed.  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'm going to go see Mom now."  
  
"Oh you are? Hey, guess what? I WORK FOR THE CIA!"  
  
"I know. You've been telling me that every day for the past six months."  
  
Crack was distracted for a moment by Hysteric Dice, which gave Cindy the opportunity to escape.  
  
The only reason Crack was allowed to stay in the CIA was he annoyed their prisoners so much that they immediately gave up all the information they had. Who needed torture when you had Crack?  
  
: : : : :  
  
Cindy saw her mother in her cell in a straddle position, reading her book. When she noticed Cindy she slowly got up and pressed herself against the glass.  
  
Her name was Irony Seducto.  
  
"Hello, Cindy," she purred.  
  
It's okay, Cindy told herself, It'll be okay, it's not just me, remember what Dr. Hornet says.she's like this to everyone.  
  
"So, what do you want?" asked Cindy. She quickly amended this to "to tell me?" to which she hastily added "about the mission?"  
  
Irony looked vaguely disappointed. "Well," she said with a sigh, "I thought you would want to know. You have to go through the left Employees Only door instead of the right one. The right one alerts security."  
  
"Okay, thanks."  
  
"Good luck, Cindy," Irony said, her voice layered with sweetness.  
  
Cindy nearly ran out.  
  
: : : : :  
  
"How do you know she isn't lying?" Kenbull asked. He, Crack, and Cindy were all were all in the conference room.  
  
Cindy groaned. "We've had this discussion already. She hasn't been wrong yet. What do you think, Dad?"  
  
"Oh, sure, go ahead, sweetie."  
  
She rolled her eyes. He was too busy playing with the slideshow projector to listen.  
  
Kenbull's eyes flashed red. His nose ring shook. "I'm going to allow you to use her intel," he growled, but only because you probably would have used it anyway."  
  
"Probably."  
  
"Now, I have to go deal with Dice, he's having another breakdown."  
  
She heard a high pitched yell. Kenbull took off.  
  
: : : : :  
  
Cindy was disappointed. She wasn't going to be wearing a stylish disguise to the deli. Instead, she had to wear this little deli worker outfit that included a white sailor cap.  
  
Lucky Fixem was on comms.  
  
She sighed, and remembering what her mother had said, she entered the building from the left entrance. "I'm in," she said.  
  
She looked around. The deli was about half full.  
  
Suddenly, a man put his hand on her shoulder and swung her around. "Hey, you don't work-"  
  
Cindy took off her hat and pressed it to his face. He fell to the ground. She put it back on and walked up to the counter.  
  
She started down at the far left, holding the knife up to the meat. "I'm scanning the meat for the tibia," she told Fixem.  
  
"Copy that."  
  
Cindy was almost halfway down the counter when she heard a familiar voice. "Agent Crisco- what a pleasure to see you again- and in such style."  
  
She turned and came face to face with none other than Mr. Snark. He, too, was wearing a deli outfit.  
  
"Speak for yourself, Snark," said Cindy.  
  
"Don't let him start, Cindy," warned Fixem in her ear.  
  
"I know, I know," Cindy murmured. Then she spotted it. She was certain she had found the correct ham.  
  
But how to get rid of Snark?  
  
Cindy pretended to gasp and pointed at the ceiling. "Look! A decoy!"  
  
"Where?" asked Snark, looking up. Cindy seized the opportunity, rushed to the ham and chopped it in two. It immediately fell open to reveal the Hambaldi tibia. Cindy grabbed it and took off.  
  
Snark was still inside, staring at the ceiling.  
  
Interesting, Cindy thought as she switched the real tibia for the fake one. That's the third time he's fallen for that.  
  
She met Fixem at the front door, and they drove off together into the sun.  
  
End. 


End file.
